Lake O' the Pines Recap
by Ian Calvert

What was the highlight of my weekend? Well, I went down South to Texas for an NTNOA motor bike rally, (North Texas Norton Owners Association), of which I’m still a member, but last attended a Lake O’ the Pines rally seven years ago. The reason for the hiatus? I was lured up North by a shiny Bank One job that turned into something a very different and certainly wasn’t a highlight, but we won’t get into that.

I arrived at Columbus Airport with 29 minutes to spare, and that was my first problem. When flying with ample time you never really need it but if you turn up just one minute past the comfort zone, suddenly everything that can go wrong, does go wrong! First, the stupid machine wouldn’t print my boarding pass so I had to badger the check-in agent to print one, after blithely strolling past a long queue of irate travelers. Suckers! But that wasn’t the highlight of the trip. I get to security with twenty minutes to spare and that’s when the kind security folks found my long lost hip flask. Apparently it had hidden itself in a compartment in my luggage, after being abused on a trip to Canada, but the airport X-rays spotted it and suddenly it became the focus of attention for half a dozen uniforms. That wasn’t the highlight either. They weren’t so concerned with the alcohol as with checking that their explosive sniffer machine worked. It didn’t! So with ten minutes to spare they went hunting for another one and told me not to touch anything while they were gone. When they finally came back, and gave me the all-clear, I legged it to the gate and sweatily clambered aboard just as the doors closed, which was certainly a relief but not the highlight of the trip.

A quick drive from the airport to Corinth where I get changed and jump on Chris’ Tiger to trundle over to Jefferson, which could have been the highlight of the trip but I’d forgotten about Dallas traffic. Two hours later I was still making my way across the I30 bridge over Lake Ray Hubbard so when I finally made it out East it was black as night and twice as scary down those winding country lanes., That certainly wasn’t the highlight of the trip! The Tiger performed admirably, right up to the point where I missed my turn onto FM723(?) and took the “Joe Davis Rd” instead. Anyone contemplating the Joe Davis Rd should seriously consider a hover craft, or a mule, or possible a piggy back from a kindly stranger, but certainly not a tall Triumph Tiger to get through the soft, squirrely, sandy shite that piles up in drifts along three and a half miles of arm wrenching, shoulder straining, toe twitching torture so when I finally arrived at Lake O’ the Pines, after nearly dropping the Tiger I the dark half a dozen times, Chris took one look at me, thrust a beer in my hand and shoved me on a golf cart. Aren’t Golf Carts wonderful? I never realised but they’re absolutely fabulous, (Channeling Dudley Moor from “Arthur” here). I mean, they are the only vehicle where, not only is it allowed, but positively demanded that you will be driving with a beer in one hand while steering with the other, when you aren’t waving two fifths of your fingers at passers-by. Like I say. Fabulous! But not the highlight of the trip.

Back at the tent, (Did I mention we were camping? A highlight, that is not!), we decide it’s early days yet and proceed to wander the camp fires, a bit like Henry V,… but without Henry. Chris proceeded to introduce me to a bunch of drunken, blurry shadows with the covert intention of making me feel like a total berk when I failed to recognise any of them the following day. Of course I did have the distinct advantage that I could pretend to be that other 6-foot-four-British-wanker provided they didn’t get a good look at me, so I played along. Right up to the point where Chris decides to leap across roaring camp fires. This turned out to be a prelude to Saturday night’s entertainment when the local Sherriff comes by with a Burn Notice on Chris. Apparently, Shreveport was complaining that the fires were too big, plus there had been several forest fires that season, so could we tone it down a bit? At which point I suggested it might help if the fire leapers wore kilts.

The highlight of Saturday night certainly wasn’t Richard swapping jerseys with the lithe brunette administering breathalyzer tests. Anyone witnessing those proceedings was torn between the pleasure and pain of their gaze being wrenched from finely formed flesh to finding a fleshy form. There was almost a highlight with a surreal rendition of Woodstock when a lady of indeterminate age, but sporting a very respectable top-set, decided to get her kit off and dance naked around the camp fire. Not just topless mind; but tops and tails! Of course, by that time no-one really batted an eyelid. If we were going to bat anything it would be Richard who was plying a certain Jane Doe (name changed to protect the guilty); sooo dribbly drunk by this time, that she neglected to refuse his bucket of Rum’n’Coke! This led to an in-depth analysis of the contents of her stomach that progressed steadily through the night. Luckily I’m a sound sleeper so I could retain my sympathy till the following day, when I laughed like a drain.

So the trip itself could have been the highlight, despite the whole camping thing. Lake O’ the Pines is a beautiful spot and the weather was perfect. Sunny but not too hot with nice cool boozes. Of course the whole Norton Owner’s thing tends to attract a bunch of hairy-arsed bikers that spend all their time reminiscing about AMAL Carbs, (smell my finger!), and licking tyres, when they’re not searching their beards for lost morsels of food, but it’s very comradely and the riding is great. We saw, and heard the Rollie Free, Vincent “Bathing Suit Bike” that took the land speed record in 1948 at 150.313 mph, by stripping down to his skivvies and lying flat on the tank! Outstanding. Come to think of it that was the highlight of the trip!

Lake O' the Pines Rally Recaps:
['09 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['08 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['06 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['05 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['04 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['03 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['02 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['01 Lake O' the Pines Rally]
['00 Lake O' the Pines Rally]